We’re thrilled to announce that, starting today, alternating Fridays will feature the Crazy Apple Rumors Poll, where we ask you, the CARS reader (and those of you who got here by accident when you Googled “nude Jennifer fricking Connelly”)
We know you all love the Help Desk but, frankly, we hate it. We’ve been up front about that for years. It costs a minimum of $10,000 to produce each edition of the Help Desk – and that’s just when we put Mac minis in the trebuchet instead of Mac Pros – and takes over 1500 man-hours to produce.
In contrast, the Poll costs 50 cents, takes fifteen minutes and somehow produces a heady aroma of roasting chestnuts.
Mmmm…
So, there you have it. The Help Desk isn’t going way. Actually, we thought about just calling this the Help Desk and seeing if anyone was awake enough to notice the difference. But now we have an entirely new feature to complement the site, replete with all the cutting-edge technology 1995 had to offer.
So, let’s get to the poll!
Wednesday’s story prompted several people to write in and complain about the gratuitous profanity. One of whom was my mother.
My mom, ladies and gentlemen! She’s getting her first Mac for Christmas! Let’s give her a hand! Yay, mom!
…
OK, I think she’s gone.
…
Uh… no, she’s not.
Still lurking about.
Anyway, an equal number of people emailed to say how much they enjoyed the gratuitous profanity.
You people are impossible to please.
Hence the poll. We take your opinions seriously here at CARS. After receiving the results, we’ll put the data into a sophisticated database system with a Java front end and MySQL back end which Ugluk coded himself. We’ll crunch the numbers and then run some spreadsheets using complex formulas to determine trends and print out some charts. The charts will be airlifted to the Mohave Desert where an elite strike force will dispose of them by means of detonation with C4.
And then we will never speak of this again.
Now, please, take the poll!
Polls rule! First! (again)
And poll servers that work are even better!!!!!
Never mind, just REALLY fucking slow.
Awwwww fuck, why not: FOURTH!!!
Yeah. That’s a problem. Huh.
The hat is in the mail.
I am such a loser. Obviously I am the only one here cause I am not out drinking like all the cool people are on fucking friday night. Look at me, sitting here, participating in a God damn poll about fucking profanity and naughty words.
Uh John, didn’t you mean “complement” rather than “compliment?”
And I vote for Barack Obama with Lisa Simpson as running mate.
What’s ‘profanity’?
I tried to vote but nothin happened… really. (Does it know that I secretly use IE to read CARS?)
On a more serious note, I don’t particularly mind the profanity, but the Intel net police had a field day today. And since I like to catch up on the comments during lunch, this really is a problem. It was blocked as a hate crime site!
And iOth…
There is just too much $%^%&%&@^ profanity at this site. Frankly, seeing all of this ^&*%@&!%#$@! makes me really ^&*%@($(( $#@%&^#$@!
Never mind, It’s just really fucking slow… oh wait did I just say that?
More porn from Rip!!
Boy, I thought there were more French readers.
Ta mere.
Hey, poll charts, lemme take you for a “ride.”
Honestly, I don’t give a shit. Profanity is fine, but great humor it does not make. I figured out how to say fuck every other fucking word years ago – I don’t need to read a rumors site to figure it out. Even a crazy rumors site. So no, I’m not offended, but I read about three lines of yesterday’s and then closed my tab. It’s not fun reading the rest if I know what the whole joke is.
I fucking hate profanity, it really fucks me off.
And when I’m fucked off you better watch out fuckers. Fuck with me and you’ll know all about it.
Any fucker want’s to profane around me better fucking watch out.
Every time there’s a Friday and no Help Desk, I die a little. If I change that to “I fucking die a fucking little” can I have more Fucking Help Fucking Desk?
Yo lo veo asi, pero admito que a lo mejor estoy en la minoria. Las palabras sucias son como la gramatica incorrecta; la generalidad lo usan porque no saben hablar (o en este caso, escribir) correctamente, y remonten a las palabras feas porque creen que nadie se dara cuenta de la vacuidad de sus pensamientos.
-Luis Fernando Santiago De Monte Carmelissimo, Chiapas
Mein Freund Luis
wie ich es dir schon in 1946 gesagt habe, ich meine nichts wenn ich mich irre. Ich glaubte es war verstanden.
Someone has the GWB script to vote several times ? Like…er…one or two thousands, from…er…Florida ?
¡Oye, pendejo! ¿Por qué no puedo votar más que una vez?
Pinche cabron.
OK now you’re just asking for a coup.
How about a feature to this side to hide every comment containing ‘first’?
I fucking hate fucking electronic polling machines. Where’s the fucking paper fucking backup to ensure a fucking correct fucking recount. What’s to stop John from picking the fucking answer he fucking likes fucking best when there’s no fucking paper trail.
Fuck Yea!
If you’re producing “a heady aroma of roasting chestnuts”, it’s time to take the PowerBook off your lap.
As to the profanity, I couldn’t fucking care less.
I was to understand there would be nude pictures of Jennifer fricking Connolly somewhere on this page.
Why doncha throw a guy a bone here?
As we lay basking in the warm glow of our MacBook Pro, surrounded by the delicate aroma of roasting chestnuts, she gently caressed my Zune.
She nibbled on my earlobe, and with a warm moist breath said, “Vista is ready.”
Fuck profanity.
I was number 347 on the poll. Yeah, Fuck that shit muthafuckin’ bitches.
that’s mo-fucking-”J”ave desert you fucker
Mr Grammar says:
It is easier to hit the “g” key than the apostrophe. Also, the correct spelling is “motherfucking” as opposed to the phonetically incorrect “muthafuckin’.
Thank you for your time.
Or |
As in:
She gently caressed my | Zune.
No one will get here by accidently Googling “nude Jennifer fricking Connolly”. Googling “nude Jennifer fricking Connelly” (note the spelling), yes.
But soon Google will index this post and then maybe this will become the top site for “nude Jennifer Connolly”!.
Profanity?
Abso-fuckin’-lutely!
Q: My poll doesn’t work.
A: Hmm, have you tried greasing it?
Q: Yup.
A: Have you tried rubbing it briskly?
Q: Yup.
A: Have you seen this? This latest picture of nude Jennifer frickin Connelly?
Q: Ok. it works now. Thanks!
A: That’s what we’re here for. Moltz may not be, but WE are.
I can confirm googling > gives CARS First, before some obscure site pretending Jennifer fricking Connelly reads while having sex. oh, and ¿Dónde está mi sombrero nuevo?, seriously.
You wanta know what’s obscene? I’ll tell you what’s obscene! George W. Bush claiming that he’s the moral values guy! That’s what’s obscene! That, and…
Oh, wait — profanity? I thought you said obscenity. Sorry.
I don’t think Bush is profane all that much. Sometimes, maybe just a little.
So, uh… what’s the topic here?
Who is Jennifer Connelly? Why would anyone not directly related to her care? Why are we suddenly preoccupied with a hat? Is Steve Ballmer getting his Zune googled? What is the World Record for the largest vegetarian pizza with extra cheese? How could Leia have any memory of her mother?
Darn it.
This site needs more Friday Help Desks like every song ever written needs more cowbell.
Mmmmmm…. Cowbell…….
derekm —
While I agree that almost every song ever recorded by Barry Manilow, Leo Sayer, Bananarama, UB40, William Shatner, and ABBA could use a bit more cowbell, Honky Tonk Women has almost precisely the correct balance of cowbell to cymbal crash.
Also, cowbell would detract from the glorious ambience of Tie Your Mother Down, Rag Doll, and Classical Gas. It would ruin everything by Gordon Lightfoot, except possibly The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald — which also needs an oboe, a penny-whistle, and the Vienna Boys Choir.
This site has been woefully lacking in a reliable Friday Help Desk, but please don’t be extreme.
CORRECTION:-Charlie used the hi hat stand not cow bell in their original recording of ‘Honky Tonk Woman’ which incidentally they copied from other artistes. Well they copied everything originally.
Another reason for continuing Help Desk.
Nxxx–
That doesn’t change my assertion that the balance was exactly correct. These days Charlie’s producer would use a cowbell loop, thus sparing the eminent Mr. Watts the expense and trouble of putting in fresh denture adhesive and coming in for another session just to capture the sound of a barnyard for posterity.
When the Help Desk was properly running, we had little need to discuss cowbells. Frankly, I miss it. I miss watching Annette Funicello grow up, too. Whoohoo! Those were the days. I miss five cent candy bars, that cute 19-year old girl I had the hots for at the Youth Center, and weeny roasts on Grandpa’s farm. I also miss the toilet more often than I think I do. And whenever I’m having problem with my hemor…..
Never mind.
This conversation is deteriorating rapidly, mostly because I should have been in bed an hour ago.
Yeah, I’d like to google Jennifer Connelly. Google her frickin’ Vista with my Ubuntu.
And I just Zuned on myself.
If this is going to be a rip off of the deceased Jack Miller’s polls thensomeone needs to send in some viewer mail with a picture of the poll at a really cool spot.
Charlie does not use denture cream, they are all his own.
Stop living in the past Rip and spell your ‘farmers’ or ‘carbons’ with an ‘æ’ in future. Damn it man, this is a Mac board, and we are all cultured. All right, excepting Moltz and…………….well, you name the remainder.
Oh ubunty. I forgot how to do that “ae” thing. I’m sure there’s a keystroke for it. I downloaded SketchFighter Alpha last night. What an unbelievably stupid game. I’ve already wasted hours and hours of my precious time on it. What do you have to do to blow up a boss, anyway? I’ve been killed quickly dozens of times.
I want my Maypo.
Hey, I wanna see rip ragged porn *looks one post above* as well as taking the poll and shoving it up someones @$#
æ is alt-a. But maybe not in the american version.
But all this is beginning to look like a swimming poll, if I can make this little joke.
Nxxx, you are sure these are his real teeth ? It seems to me that grew bigger years after years… Like …er…Keith is playing with hands so close I suspect him having handcuffs behind the guitar.
And where is this muzerfukka sombrero, you bazztars ?
Yay Seahawks. Sheesh.
Why are you so interested in helicopters Rip?
He is investigating the possibility of a spinning wig.
Ubuntu controlled, of course.
Damn, I was hoping there would be a pole.
And Nude Jennifer Connolly.
Yike, that does make your poll work…
Damn, I was hoping there would be a pole.
And Nude Jennifer Connolly.
Yike, that does make your poll work…
OMG! It’s a Fel Bear! Ahhhgggggggggggggg!
How the hell did his nuts get on his chest?
I think the third option should read: “OH MY GOD! A BEAR!”
And as for your new hat, maybe you should ask the bear. I think he may have Zuned in it.l
Speaking of Jack Miller, what ever happened to him and aTAT site?
Sorry to be picky Moltz, but the opening paragraph is incomplete:
We’re thrilled to announce that, starting today, alternating Fridays will feature the Crazy Apple Rumors Poll, where we ask you, the CARS reader (and those of you who got here by accident when you Googled “nude Jennifer fricking Connolly”)
What exactly are you going to be asking the CARS reader?? You seem to have been sidetracked thinking about what Jennifer fricking Connely was going to do to your poll.
More like OMG! ⁄⁄A bear-oh-metric pressure gauge!
Well, at least we stayed on the fucking topic this time.
That’s heartening.
Yeah, I hate it when people get off topic because…
Oh, look! Shiny!!!
I have to say, that I could not agree with you in 100% regarding Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Poll!, but it’s just my opinion, which could be wrong