Sadly, it has come to our attention that if Steve Jobs were traveling northbound on de Anza Blvd riding on the back of Steve Wozniak’s dorky-assed Segway at 5 MPH and a semi truck filled with sheet metal, broken glass and rabid raccoons was traveling southbound on de Anza Blvd at 175 MPH, and the two collided, Jobs would probably be killed.
And, I guess, so would Wozniak.
Which, I guess, would be sad and all.
But, whatever, let’s get back to Jobs.
Steve Jobs is perhaps the most valuable asset Apple has. More valuable than the Mac, more valuable than the iPod and more valuable than the alien technology the company stole from Xerox in 1978.
Crazy Apple Rumors Site has seen the writing on the wall. A little less than a year ago, Tim Cook was promoted to Chief Operating Office in a move that many saw has positioning him to take over should Jobs be forced to step down, disappear mysteriously or just go all King George.
Or, for that matter, go all Boy George. Nobody wants to see that either.
With Cook standing in the wings, it is up to us as Apple fanatics to make sure that he is successful should the need arise for him to ascend to the Apple throne. He will face withering media criticism for the singular flaw of not being Steve Jobs. We need to have his back.
As the site largely responsible for developing the cult of Phil Schiller, Crazy Apple Rumors Site is taking it upon itself to lead the charge to “sex up” Tim Cook.
We know we can count on your full support in this endeavor.
Now, let’s take a look at what we’ve got to work with.
…
Oh, for…
Oh, come on!
What is that?
Sheesh.
OK, Ugluk, put another pot of coffee on. This is gonna be a long night.
If you’ve got suggestions for sexing up Tim Cook, please post them in the comments.
I mean…
C’mon! We’re not miracle workers!
First Post!
Sloppy Seconds.
Toot
See if you can restore his libido, too please.
Perhaps a shirt thats not the same colour as his hair may help
Glitter.
Glitter would help.
That’s one huge Adam’s apple he’s got! Hey… an Apple tatt on that apple! Maybe a multicolored stripe for each KO of Ballmer in an annual cagematch?
a beret…
but no freaking frenchie neck scarf.
And a scar… a big scar horizontally across the forehead…
We can float the rumor that Jobs’ brain was transfered.
Schillermania. How do you top that catchphrase?
The Cook Craze just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
He needs glasses. Bakelite frames. The works.
White mock turtleneck and green jeans.
I’m surprised no one has yet posted the answer: lesbian sexbots.
Maybe a bandanna, and a white poffy shirt and big boots with a parrot on his shoulder. It did wonders for Johnny , Edwardscissorhands/WilliWonka/Peterpan, Depp.
Or send him to WWE school and let them come up with a good name like Hard Drive with the signature move the FSCK OF DOOM.
Then again he could make sure he struts on stage with a nice Package™© flanked by Ponies
Give him a lakers cap (turned sideways), a nike jersy, and a big gold apple logo on a chain. Yeahhhh, Boyyyy!
I wear the clock so you can know the time!
Fix the hair, comb it up, not the weird, lameass side comb deal he’s got now.
Also, he needs to lose that shirt and get himself a fine suit.
Maybe not bare his teeth when he’s smiling…
other than that, I got nothin.
I’ve got nothing here, folks.
Sorry.
moo (Pants™® without ideas)
You did not just use the Woz’s toothbrush!
GHAAA!!!
Do you have no respect for the man who designed and built the first Apple computers by himself in his parents garage!? Jobs and his black mock turtlenecks would have anything to shill for if it weren’t for the Wizard of Woz!!
I have fury!!!
And until this slight of Woz has been corrected, I will boycott this post and not point out that what Tim Cook really needs to “sex up” is to get a real rock god image going. Oversized sunglasses to hide his puffy eyes, a stylin’ scarf to cover that Adam’s boulder in his neck. A coat with a huge fantail, and just the right amount of “bling-bling” to let you know he’s for real.
So… uh… respect Woz… or feel my squirrelly wrath!!!
The smile is the problem. Too amiable. No danger. He needs to watch “Zoolander” and cop a look of cool vacuity.
Is his wife a supermodel? That might help.
He looks rather redneck. Perhaps some flannel and deer horns could work. He could make fluffy iPod carriers from his hunting skins.
Another thing–he needs more lip real estate, like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie. Lips you can land a Concorde on.
I know it sounds stupid, but hey, I don’t make the rules.
Shave his head and tattoo him all over the body.
And a moustache.
Maybe a leather cap.
That would help, in Hell’s angel’s reunion, or in some night-clubs.
Or, better, paint him all in red. With the shirt, the hair, and all. The smile, too.
He’s such a freak !
Not much to do.
Maybe if you repaired the other half of his mouth…
A) Ouch to Tim Cook.
II) Looks like this calls for a Photoshop contest!
は) Phil Schiller rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Replace his picture with Masako’s.
MARK
nameless norman says total body transplant
He seems perfectly fine to me.
I mean, he’s not really my type, but come on…
I hate to think what kind of mean things you people would be saying about me if I became some sort of big wheel at Apple. And seeing as how I’m the only person here who’s said anything nice about Tim, that’s more likely than you might suspect.
I would have to agree with Psyko.
We really don’t have to do anything for him.
Just Look at the size of that adam’s apple…everyone knows the size of the adam’s apple relates to…You Know.
And if they don’t know, we make sure they do. Not hands. Not feet. Adam’s Apple.
(and it’s a sexy tie-in to the product, voila)
And as one of the only 2 known resident females, personally I think he may already be cuter than Jobs…but reserve judgement until we see his forearms. Maybe he should start wearing turtlenecks with the sleeves pushed up now so we can see them.
Is that an adam’s apple or is he swallowing a squirrel?
Fire someone in an elevator.
Beat up a developer during a keynote.
Kill somebody for looking at him funny.
Lord, that man needs some Ubuntu! Slather it all over him.
Yep.
Put that man on a PONY.
Everybody loves PONIES. Especially glittery pink ones! He could even carry a pink iPod!
Actually, whereas His Steveness never profited from the stock options mess, Tim Cook did–so if anyone were to leave, I imagine it would be him.
Everyone is just shooting in the dark here. Look. Steve is cool. Steve brought us OS X and the iPod and the snowglobe iMac. What is at the other end of the spectrum? Right, Big Billy Gates.
What we want here is the cool of Jobs and the world-dominating success of Gates.
Lets start working within these parameters.
Begin again everyone.
And if we tried something like …er… let’s say…Tim listening music with a Zune ? Wouldn’t that do it ?
Guy’s I’ll take one for the team and sex up Tim Cook.
Does someone have a pic of him with his shirt off? I at least want to know what I’m getting into here.
Apple: We’re Cookin’ Now!
Looks like an extreme makeover is required. Is Thor up to the challenge?
He just needs a sweet iPhone and Tablet PC to introduce in one fell swoop. He will instantly look cool enough. Done.
Hmm.
Step makes a strong case.
“Now we’re Cook-ing with gas!”
“He must be smart: ‘Tim’ is ‘MIT’ spelled backwards.”
“Captain Cook”
“Timmaaahhhh!”
“Tim Cook vs. Steve Ballmer: the Cook versus the Kook.”
“Tim Cook vs. Bill Gates: the Cook versus the cock.”
“He is the Walrus, Cook-cook-cook-jobs.”
“Micro-Chip Cookie”
“Cookie Monster”
“One Tough Cookie”
“Cool Cook” and/or “Cook is Cool”
“The Iron Cook”
(all these ideas are hereby released for use by Apple or Tim Cook or CARS or the Cars or any being whosoever, even the ones other people posted first)
Unless Tim Cook is a pseudonym for Steve Jobs, I say dump the guy! Clearly the intelligent thing to do is to clone Steve Jobs!
I’ve only just read this, but how long does it take you all to find this on google images?
…link…
Tim Cook is kind of a lame name, he should get a Hollywood stage name. Lets see…. something sexy….. Steve? Yeah I like that, but Steve what?….. I know he should change his name to Steve Jobs, I think that name would suit him well, it just screams Apple.
I took a stab at it, but I am only a Photoshop amateur. At least it’s a start:
http://web.mac.com/warriorvisions/iWeb/Brian%20Ragle/Images/brcook.png
I borrowed the suit from some dude at men’s clothing site, the earring is from U2′s Bono, and the iPod is from Apple’s own advertisement. Other than those elements, all I did was some color correction and smoothing.
By the way, the above image took me about 45 minutes, mostly on the extractions of the extra elements. Can you tell I am unemployed at the moment?
(Hear that, CARS? I’m talking to you. And I can write too! Wink, wink, nudge, nudge)
I liked his old haircut better:
http://www.idiotsite.com/wlwiki/index.php?title=Ryan_Stiles
Unemployed Brian, the sexy-up job on Cook was very good but couldn’t you do something with the hair? Otherwise, very good effort!!
Hope you find work soon.
Grandma is still farting.
I actually re-did the whole thing using a much higher resolution PR photo from Apple’s website. I will see what I can do with the hair. I am thinking a dye job or even a “transplant” from someone a little cooler looking. I will post here if I get anything worth sharing.
Ok, I am finished as I have spent enough of my time on this. I will leave it to others to do what they can. Here is a link to the original in a much higher resolution that posted originally:
http://rdmathison.iweb.bsu.edu/brianragle/cook.png
And here is my final version, with new dye job on the dark and some minor color enhancements:
http://rdmathison.iweb.bsu.edu/brianragle/brcook2.png
I like what Brian did, too… I went for a different look … more of a Smooth Mac Daddy
http://www.schnauzerlogic.com/carstcmo.jpg
cheers!
robin
Robin,
Leopard? Please. Utterly passe´.
Look out, fanboys, here comes dangerous Tim Cook! Sporting a dashing iPatch, Cook is responsible for all of the company’s worldwide sales and operations, including end-to-end management of Apple’s supply chain. Accompanied by wunderkind Jonathan Ives’ latest masterpiece, Cook is more than ready for the high seas of high fashion!
http://i9.tinypic.com/2q2k8z8.jpg
Here’s my entry. Gotta love Seashore!
http://appleturns.paulosnews.com/uploads/timandsteve.jpg
Glad to see someone is staying on top of things.