In a disappointing turn of events for the fledgling project, sources indicate that the effort to to create a more robust alternative to Apple’s Mail.app called Letters.app has dissolved over “irreconcilable differences”.
“The egos involved were simply too big,” said a source involved in the project who declined to be identified.
“You can’t build software by committee,” the source said. “Or, in this case, by prima donna convention. There were too many flamboyant cooks in the kitchen.”
Despite John Gruber being named project leader, the Daring Fireball auteur felt continually nitpicked by back-seat drivers.
“Nobody sees my vision!” screamed Gruber, stabbing out his clove cigarette, taking a sip from a $10 beer in a can and adjusting his beret. “Only I know which fonts are appropriate! Only I know which menu items go where! Only I know which controls are controlliest! And I refuse to have my ideas, my concepts, my passion be questioned by Philistines!
“It is as if you asked Stanley Kubrick to direct a dinner theater production! Or asked Joe Torre to manage the Nationals! It cannot be done!”
Others associated with project, meanwhile, blamed Gruber himself for its failure.
“I am an artiste!” cried Panic Software‘s Cabel Sasser, flinging his scarf around his neck. “If anyone knows about making softwares that are beautiful to the touch, it is I, not this pixel-pushing lout of a man whose personal grooming is also suspect!”
Most simply blamed everyone but themselves.
“Imbéciles!” exclaimed Brent Simmons, inexplicably speaking in French. “Je ne peux pas travailler avec ces imbéciles!”
Technical lead Gus Mueller has reportedly taken the existing source code – currently nothing more than five lines of comments and one IBAction – and renamed it CrunchMail.app. Mueller hopes to have a working product of his own personal design some time next year, but right now is more concerned with fulfilling the obligations of his tell-all book deal with O’Reilly.
1st?
Damn, I was looking forward to french porn spam mail.
Yeah! MORE CARS posts.
Oh, SECOND!
Oh, did they ever get T-shirts? At least…..
Philliesteens?
Firth of Fourth!
“You are all ridiculous morons with your heads so far up your asses you can see Russia from your ears!” screamed John “Bynkii” Welch. “Unless this application supports all of the IMAP features I personally want, you braindead monkeysticks are not allowed to call this an IMAP client! Your mothers probably mated with giraffes… At the Zoo! Which is at least twice as bad as wild giraffes! You call yourselves programmers… I call you poo poo heads! With poo on top! I hope you get Ebola! It is clear to anyone with half a brain that I am the foremost expert on IMAP! The f word! The s word! Multiple additional s words! This project failed because you did not program exactly what I told you, you pea-brained imbecilles whose mothers are… wait, I think I already mentioned the mothers. Never mind about that, then.”
Heh heh. CrunchMail! Good one, Moltz.
Ego No Ate.
Nine again?
Dixième !
Indeed, I need some new app to get me somme low-cost penis élargisseur.
NOOOOOOOO!!! Say it ain’t so! I had plans for years of posts and tweets making fun of this project. Now I have to go back to reading Enderle.
Sorry, Letters has been renamed “The Caio Chassot emails everyone” project.
Unlucky thirteen.
AAAAAAAaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhh!
Wait. I thought this is how all software was made. It’s not?!?
Pfah! All you non-IMAP-Loving Peoples! little do you know this was my plan all along! ENTOURAGE UBER ALLES!
I blame Yoko.
You do realise this is all a ploy; it’s no coincidence that this was announced right *before* the iTabletOfGod is announced. They are really going to release this for the iTabletOfGod and cash in big; screw that open-source crap.
How about an email client that has a built-in ASCII art fuction? I could almost get excited about that.
Almost.
@Sudo Nym I’d have to agree on that one….
Oh, and my Pants™ claim to have a working beta of the software. I think they’re just pulling my leg.
Vingt!
[Silly is walking casually by when he spots Nxxx. Silly is not so silly as to fail to recognize another tragic victim of Unlucky thirteen when he sees one.]
Nxxx! Oh, my Gosh! What happened to you?!
[Silly rushes to Nxxx's side and props up his head. Silly looks about at the rest of you with and expression of stern incredulity.]
What’s wrong with you people?! Can’t you see that Nxxx has been… been… [Silly turns to inspect Nxxx's injuries. A look of horror seizes his face as he fights off the urge to retch.] Oh, it’s too horrible to describe! Move back, everyone… give the man some air!
[Silly dramatically holds Nxxx's shoulders.] Hang on, Nxxx… stay with us, big fella! Don’t you dare give up on us!
[Looking up, Silly desperately scans the horizon.] Dammit! Where’s that ambulance?!
[Silly looks back at Nxxx.] Oh, no! He’s stopped breathing! [Silly wipes his entire left arm along his kisser.] I’ll have to administer artificial respiration! [Silly's drooling mouth slowly approach Nxxx's increasingly blue lips...]
Don’t do it Silly!
It’s a trap!!!!!
Silly is safe. I am a straight vegetarian with no bestiality traits but must stop drinking absinthe, even on iTablet day.
If it truly is the Jesus Tablet, will the startup sound be a chorus of angels?
If so, can I change it to a demonic laugh. You know, just for the irony. (Mmm… I love the smell of irony in the morning.)
“Mmm… I love the smell of irony in the morning.”
Yeah, me too. Smells like ketchup.
owsl or iron who’s goin tonight?
1980 ford f 150 pickup.
trouble with carb peformance. choke plate sticks even after multi re-builds.
this is car talk right?
CARS Life coverage of today’s event?
re; pad
where’s the promised pen is input port ? or is there a 3rd party device forthcoming?
gosh was really hoping to give my hand a rest.
If you prod him, he will post….
[Silly is seen to be lying unconscious on his back, cartoon stars spiralling around his head. He stirs, barely opens his wobbling eyes, and shakily rises just enough so that he can prop himself up on his elbows.]
“Where’d he go?” [Silly looks around while rubbing the back of his head with one hand. He sniffs the air, and a lingering distinctive scent in the air triggers his memory.]
“That’s strange,” he reflects in a curious tone. “The last thing I remember is Nxxx belching, and then there was this intense smell of absinthe!”
silly rabbit
your mom is calling you.
come up from the basement for dinner
!!
[...] told the crowd that Apple Beer would be priced at $11 for a six-pack, thus putting it just out of John Moltz’s reach. Categories: Breaking news, announcement Tags: Comments (0) Trackbacks (0) Leave a [...]
[Silly is seen to be coming up from the basement. He goes to the dining room, and is surprised to see nothing and no one there. He looks puzzled for a moment, then shrugs his shoulders, turns, and goes back downstairs.]
—You have a tab on your ear !
—Oh ! Where did I put my pen ?
(French joke)
I’ve seen the actual code! One thing of note – of the five lines of comments, four concern the format that is to be used for comments.
It’s two spaces per tab, dammit!
now that moltz is a bigg fnnn star he’s to busy to entertain us.
thanks alot
Meant to say this earlier, John…
This post is true satire: insightful, witty, and clever. You continue to make CARS a bright jewel in the kaleidoscope that is the Apple community. Thanks for doing so.
Now, Benny . . . that *is* satire.
Nice.
‘insightful, witty, and clever’.
Genius.
Next you’ll be describing CARS as a ‘triumph’ and Moltz as a ‘giant among wits’.
You should get a column or something.
Incidentally, did anyone see those pictures of Gruber at the Panic office party launch thing?
Did anyone also notice that Moltz *wasn’t in the room*.
At the same time as Gruber.
Hmmm…
PS: If you *do* get a column, Benny, could you please use it to bully Moltz into even more regular posts. He’s clearly in the same state as an alcoholic in desperate denial that his foot is dragging along the ground at the back of the wagon. A couple more shoves and he’ll tumble. Oh yes.
Never has the world needed the rumor-mongering of John Moltz more than it does right now.
Yes, I know that’s not saying much, but it’s the unvarnished truth.
Luckily Ace, I have this two pot varnish.
Should I send it to you?
I think it’d be quicker if you just varnished the truth from your side of the pond.
There is no truth this side of the Pond. We have a General and Local Council Elections on May 6th, probably.
How does one go about measuring a ‘wit’? I don’t have a ‘wit-o-meter’.
Does this wit make my butt look big?
Witticism is falling out over a joke.
Wit? Might as well throw in some whits and some Whigs while you’re at it.
Brother, did you have a typo and mean a “giant among twits?”
No, Huh?: it’s your Pants™ that make your butt look big.
Yes, I did have a typo. A double, in fact. You’ve only corrected one of ‘em.
Need to work on that vowel now, Steve.
Wow Huh?, you kinda asked for that one…
I’ll take a double too, Brother.
Oh yeah, now you chime in miss iMoo… (sorry… Mrs. iMoo)
And Ace, I think you just might be right. Time for my Pants™ to go on a diet.
Yo, Bro…
The man writes a good piece and I sincerely compliment him. That’s my sole interest and intent. Thanks and all that, but no compliments or suggestions are necessary.
Brother, twat the heck are you talking about? (Or aboot for our Canadian friends.)
Hah! Genius, Steve.
And panic not, Benny. John demands that we take the mickey out of him on CARS. It’s The Law. We are, after all, merely an encore to Mother Nature.
In that respect, we have adopted John as a pseudo-Brit. Over here, getting slaughtered verbally is something of a compliment: we only insult our mates. Everyone else gets ignored or punched. Or both.
Nxxx probably does something unmentionable thereafter, but you’d have to ask him about that. He’s probably got a diagram somewhere to help explain. Or a flowchart. In various shades of red.
No panic, here, Bro… I always abide by those large friendly letters on the cover. Thanks for the transoceanic perspective.
Hah – cheers, Benny.
And just to prove we like taking the mickey out of mates, I’m going to take my life in my hands and ask Nxxx if he watched the ‘rugby’ on Saturday….
BroMu,
If they keep playing like that, I’m either going to end up as the World’s greatest blues saxophonist or stepping off a high rise.
Beginning to wish my ancestors were the Welsh who could swim when the Romans came but turning Irish is a definite step too far.
p.s.:-Is Moltz Irish?
I think Moltz could be Oirish, rather than Irish.
You know – ‘D’yeh need a bit ‘o werk doin?’ Oirish.
That’s why he runs a Mac website. He got it confused with Tarmac.
I put ‘rugby’ in inverted commas in the previous post because the match bore [sic] only a passing resemblance to that sacred pursuit. I can believe England were that bereft of ‘ooompf’ (they’ve got form over the last year, clearly), but find it harder to slot Wales into that lowly category. Where was the passion? Very disappointing. If I didn’t know better I’d think an English waitress had spiked their food (ahem…). Obviously I love it when we beat you, but not like that. Pffft. If Sunday’s France turn up against Saturday’s England I may yet join you on the high-rise. Either that or re-claim my own Oirish inheritance (because my ancestors couldn’t doggy-paddle out of trouble fast enough . . . and then half of them reversed the journey a couple of thousand years later when the scoff ran out).
BroMu,
Could it be the “Professional” game is responsible? Realise it was shamateur previously but something to believe in for a financially deprived nation.
Bloody hell, serious on CARS.
I don’t know, really. Wales have played with plenty of passion previously in the professional period.
Man, that’s a lot of alliteration.
A friend reckons Twickenham ‘spooked’ them, but that has to be rubbish, surely? But it’s true they just didn’t seem to settle. They didn’t even get sustained ball for about 15 minutes, which was partly due to some tight England play, but also down to some uncharacteristic timidity at the turnover. All very odd. And then that stupid trip (which is more the kind of thing we’re used to from our very, very dense (despite their numerous degrees and expensive private education) England muppets). Maybe things will warm up next match? I’d imagine they’ll have got a bit of a rocket from Gatland, so we’ll see.
Hmmm, ‘a rocket from Gatland’. Not sure it gets much more serious than that. Except possibly one from Johnson.
BroMu,
Regional rugby has taken away the close relationship between the Welsh town and its side coupled with much better defence strategies, making it sometimes necessary to wonder, “Is this Union or League I’m watching?”.
Wonder if I’ll snuff before any British national team takes the All Blacks again?
Brother,
I have never (ever!) been so hopelessly lost in a sports discussion as I was reading your description of whatever it is you’re talking about.
I’m fairly certain that’s the reason, but it could also be excessive snow-induced insanity.
We are not discussing a sport, this is about a religion.