We’re thrilled to announce that, starting today, alternating Fridays will feature the Crazy Apple Rumors Poll, where we ask you, the CARS reader (and those of you who got here by accident when you Googled “nude Jennifer fricking Connelly”)

We know you all love the Help Desk but, frankly, we hate it. We’ve been up front about that for years. It costs a minimum of $10,000 to produce each edition of the Help Desk – and that’s just when we put Mac minis in the trebuchet instead of Mac Pros – and takes over 1500 man-hours to produce.

In contrast, the Poll costs 50 cents, takes fifteen minutes and somehow produces a heady aroma of roasting chestnuts.

Mmmm…

So, there you have it. The Help Desk isn’t going way. Actually, we thought about just calling this the Help Desk and seeing if anyone was awake enough to notice the difference. But now we have an entirely new feature to complement the site, replete with all the cutting-edge technology 1995 had to offer.

So, let’s get to the poll!

Wednesday’s story prompted several people to write in and complain about the gratuitous profanity. One of whom was my mother.

My mom, ladies and gentlemen! She’s getting her first Mac for Christmas! Let’s give her a hand! Yay, mom!

…

OK, I think she’s gone.

…

Uh… no, she’s not.

Still lurking about.

Anyway, an equal number of people emailed to say how much they enjoyed the gratuitous profanity.

You people are impossible to please.

Hence the poll. We take your opinions seriously here at CARS. After receiving the results, we’ll put the data into a sophisticated database system with a Java front end and MySQL back end which Ugluk coded himself. We’ll crunch the numbers and then run some spreadsheets using complex formulas to determine trends and print out some charts. The charts will be airlifted to the Mohave Desert where an elite strike force will dispose of them by means of detonation with C4.

And then we will never speak of this again.

Now, please, take the poll!