I regret to inform you that my podcast effort - This Week In Daring Fireball - has been canceled. This was to be the follow-up to CARS but, sadly, I was unable to secure funding. The New York Yankees had shown interest in sponsoring the show, but backed out after I refused to work with Don Mattingly.

He’s just a dick.

Anyway, you can listen to the first and only episode here (1.7mb MP3).

Oh, and CARS is still on hiatus.

The Apple web community was singularly relieved to learn that Crazy Apple Rumors Site was not acquired by Microsoft today like so many other sites, and is still just on indefinite hiatus.

A fact-finding team consisting of Glenn Fleishman, Jason Snell and Paul Kafasis ventured to Tacoma to confirm that the site was indeed just no longer publishing, had not been scooped up by the Redmond giant and that the whole thing wasn’t just some kind of misunderstanding or technical glitch.

“John’s not the most technical guy in the world, so we thought maybe he was still banging the post button every day with a bottle of Jameson’s and not really realizing nothing was making onto the web,” Fleishman said.

“Barring that, we were concerned about him after the events leading up to the site going on hiatus. I’m sure it was hard having the rug pulled out from under him like that and I’d hate to see him do something intensely stupid like sell out to Microsoft, like so many sites seem to do on April 1st every year. Because that really is intensely, monumentally stupid. All these sites that get sold to Microsoft every year on April 1st? Really dumb.

“And, um, also we went down there because he owes us money.”

According to Fleishman, the site has not been sold to Microsoft and is, in fact, still just on hiatus. Editor-In-Chief John Moltz was found face down on the floor of his Tacoma home, surrounded by empty boxes of Screaming Yellow Zonkers, snoring loudly and mumbling softly about Jennifer fricking Connelly.

“After rousting him, we were able to confirm that the site had not been sold to Microsoft and was still… uh, just on hiatus. I want to make that point perfectly clear. Not sold. Hiatus. Also, he said he would pay us back next Tuesday, assuming he manages to sell some old hardware to ‘this dude he knows’.”

Some members of the Apple community were rather unfazed by the news, however. Daring Fireball’s John Gruber simply shrugged and went back to alternately doodling “Mrs. John Gruber Jeter” and “Mrs. John Gruber Kubrick” on the cover of a notebook.

Rich Mogull, meanwhile, could not be reached for comment as he was being chased from the Apple community by an angry crowd.

Apple declined to comment, having taken the day off to celebrate its 32nd anniversary.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site is on indefinite hyenas.

…

Wait, that’s not right…

Oh, no, it is. Upon closer inspection, these do indeed appear to be some indeterminable kind of hyena.

Man, it’s a good thing they’re asleep! Ha-ha! What with the fangs and all!

Ahh…

Anyway, more to the point, we’re also on hiatus.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site used to answer common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

But not any more.
________________

[THE TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS. THE OFFICE IS ALMOST EMPTY, THE DESKS ARE CLEARED AND A LONE FIGURE SITS PUTTING ITEMS INTO A CARDBOARD BOX.]

MOLTZ: Macworld media badge. Boba Fett action figure. Lock of Nancy Heinen’s hair. Unreleased CD of HyperCard for OS X. Copy of Schillerworld magazine. Hey, there’s my Apple iPad! Man, how did I not see that was just a Newton with a sticker on it that said “iPad”? Ha-ha! Ahhh, I was so young! Well, 37.

[TAKES A SWIG OUT OF A BOTTLE OF TRES GENERACIONES ANEJO TEQUILA THEN SHOUTS TO ABSOLUTELY NO ONE:] This isn’t a box of objects it’s a box of memories, dammit!

[LOOKING INTO THE BOX] And, um, something wrapped in aluminum foil that says “Rob Enderle’s liver”. I’m kind of afraid to open that. That’s from a weekend in Vegas I don’t remember anything of at all. Which is probably a good thing.

But…

Good times. And now… it’s all…

[SUDDENLY, A LOW HUM BEGINS TO FILL THE ROOM. IT CONTINUES TO GROW AS A WHIRLWIND BEGINS, SCATTERING PAPERS AND FLINGING THE BLINDS ABOUT. AS THE NOISE REACHES AN ALMOST DEAFENING LEVEL, A BRIGHT BALL OF WHITE LIGHT APPEARS, SENDING BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY SHOOTING TO THE NOW-EMPTY OUTLETS IN THE ROOM. A FIGURE EMERGES AS THE BOLTS OF ELECTRICITY CEASE AND THE HUM DIMINISHES. IT IS THE ENTITY, STILL IN THE FORM OF THE HOTNESS THAT IS JENNIFER FRICKING CONNELLY.]

MOLTZ: Hey! What are you doing here? You already left.

THE ENTITY: Re… appearing.

MOLTZ: Right. Well, it’s not that I’m not glad to see you, but we’re not really supposed to be in here. Our lease ran out today. I already gave the keys to the landlord. He just let me in here to clean out my desk.

THE ENTITY: Forgot… [WALKS OVER TO A TABLE AND PICKS UP A PEN] …my pen. Double booked in 4 billion years.

MOLTZ: Huh?

THE ENTITY: [THE ENTITY REGARDS THE PEN THOUGHTFULLY] Interesting. Future uncertain. Again.

MOLTZ: [RAISES THE BOTTLE OF TEQUILA] Well, you got that right. [TAKES A DRINK]

THE ENTITY: Unknown forces now in motion.

MOLTZ: Uh, is that something I should be concerned about?

THE ENTITY: No. Yes.

MOLTZ: Thanks. That’s helpful.

THE ENTITY: Well… goodbye! [TURNS TO THE LIGHT]

MOLTZ: Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of odd?

THE ENTITY: Jean-Louis Gassée.

MOLTZ: Yeah, well, he’s one to talk.

THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN TURNS BACK TO THE LIGHT BUT DOES NOT ENTER, AS IF CONSIDERING SOMETHING FOR A MOMENT. THEN POINTS INTO THE LIGHT.] You?

MOLTZ: Uh, you want me to come with you? You want me to step into the light?

THE ENTITY: Yes.

MOLTZ: But, uh, wouldn’t that mean I’m dead?

THE ENTITY: No. Opposite. Alive. Everywhere. Everywhen.

MOLTZ: Oh. Hey, you mean just like Captain Sisko?!

THE ENTITY: No!

MOLTZ: Uh, OK.

THE ENTITY: Stupid!

MOLTZ: Well, it seems pretty much the same. How’s it different?

THE ENTITY: Booze! Wii bowling!

MOLTZ: Oh. Well, those are good differences.

THE ENTITY: Pudding!

MOLTZ: You’re three for three.

THE ENTITY: Baked Lays!

MOLTZ: That’s not terribly surprising.

THE ENTITY: Manual stick transmission!

MOLTZ: OK, now it seems like you’re just shouting random things.

THE ENTITY: Crab!

MOLTZ: Oh. Chesapeake or Dungeness?

THE ENTITY: Don.

MOLTZ: Oh. Two B’s.

THE ENTITY: Yes. Or… not.

MOLTZ: Aye! [NODDING] There’s the rub.

THE ENTITY: …

MOLTZ: …

THE ENTITY: Coming?

MOLTZ: You know… um… no. Thanks. As tempting as spending eternity in a parallel universe is, with all the booze and pudding I can consume, surrounded by Mac pundits of yore and energy beings who can turn themselves into Jennifer fricking Connelly at will… I’m gonna stay here. But… thanks, man. For everything.

THE ENTITY: Ah. Chicken.

MOLTZ: What? No! Hey, I did go to the center of the galaxy with you to fight Tentaculous, if you remember.

THE ENTITY: Cross-town bus!

MOLTZ: Oh, fine. Maybe it was to you, but humans aren’t used to interstellar travel. And the in-flight movie was “Catwoman”! Dear god, that made me sicker than zero G and all the radiation combined.

Anyway… you take care of yourself.

THE ENTITY: Affirmative.

[THE ENTITY TURNS AND STARTS TO ENTER THE LIGHT]

MOLTZ: Oh… hey.

THE ENTITY: Hmm?

MOLTZ: What’s your name?

THE ENTITY: Name?

MOLTZ: You never told me your name. After all these years. Do you have one?

THE ENTITY: Yes.

MOLTZ: What is it?

THE ENTITY: [PAUSES BEFORE ANSWERING] Moof.

MOLTZ: Moof? No. Really?

THE ENTITY: [NODS, THEN SHRUGS] Coincidence.

MOLTZ: [LAUGHS] OK. See you around?

THE ENTITY: [NODS] Round. Like… waffles.

MOLTZ: It always comes back to waffles, doesn’t it. Almost as if the universe were waffle-shaped or something.

THE ENTITY: Kumquat.

MOLTZ: Um… right. Well… you have a nice flight.

[THE ENTITY TURNS AND ENTERS THE LIGHT AS THE HUM RETURNS, BUT ONLY BRIEFLY. THE LIGHT SHINES BRIGHTLY AND THERE ARE SPARKS AND THE NOTHING.]

[MOLTZ LOOKS AROUND AT WHAT IS NOW ALMOST OFFICIALLY THE FORMER TOP-SECRET CARS HEADQUARTERS.]

MOLTZ: I guess this is it. Jeez. Everybody’s gone but me. Chet. Vinz. Albert (whoever that is). Masako. Howard. Ugluk. Thor. The angry Scotsman. The highly effeminate half-Orc. Gloria the Sexbot. Tentaculous. Apple’s friend Gary….

[SCOOTER THE MAILROOM BOY BURSTS INTO THE ROOM, LABORIOUSLY CARRYING A LARGE BOX.]

MOLTZ: … Scooter the mail room boy…

SCOOTER: Oh! Mr. Moltz! You’re still here!

MOLTZ: Scooter, don’t interrupt me. I’m not through reciting names. Gordy, Glaarku…

SCOOTER: Oh, well, it’s just that… there’s a package for you.

MOLTZ: Really?

SCOOTER: Yeah. It came earlier. From a Mr. Skiller?

MOLTZ: Huh? “Skiller”? I don’t know any… Wait. Schiller?

SCOOTER: It’s kind of big. Do you mind giving me a hand? I think maybe it’s a monitor or something.

MOLTZ: You’re kidding.

SCOOTER: [READING] “30-inch Cinema Display”.

MOLTZ: No. Frakking. Way.

SCOOTER: That’s what it says.

MOLTZ: Well, how do you like that?

SCOOTER: Uh, well, it’s OK, I guess. It’s a little big for me, though. I live in an efficiency.

MOLTZ: Uh-huh. Yeah, well, fortunately that was a rhetorical question. Let’s load it into my car, Scooter, my good man. Because my work here…

…is done.

[THEY EACH GRAB AN END OF THE BOX AND MOVE INTO THE HALL. MOLTZ SHUTS THE LIGHT OFF WITH HIS ELBOW AND SWINGS THE DOOR SHUT WITH HIS FOOT. IT CLOSES WITH AN AUDIBLE CLICK OF THE LOCK.]

[THERE IS A BRIEF SILENCE.]

MOLTZ: Ah, crap. I think I just locked my car keys in there.

And my box of stuff.

And my bottle of tequila.

[THERE IS THE SOUND OF THE MARIMBA RINGTONE.]

And my iPhone.

[FOLLOWED BY THE PLAINTIFF BLEATING OF A SMALL BOVIDAE.]

And, uh, apparently, the evil goat.

Darn it.

The outpouring of sentiment from sites across the Apple web community has been pretty overwhelming. I’m sobbing into my morning gin and tonic as I type this.

And you know what? Tears actually make a great mixer. My tears, of course, are not as sweet as the tears of children, but you take what you can get.

Anyway, my thanks to Mike Lee, Brent Simmons, John Gruber, Paul Kafasis, Gus Mueller, Scott McNulty, Tom Krazit, Chris Breen, Dan Moren, Glenn Fleishman, Rich Mogull, Snaggy, Jason Snell, Matt Deatherage (who gets in his last digs at my spelling - like I’ve said, I’m a product of a poor education, Matt!) and all the people in the comments here.

You know what?! Forget it! I’m staying! I love you guys! I could never leave you! We’re getting the band back together! We’re going to pile in the VW microbus and drive around playing our music our way and solving mysteries and we’re gonna rock all night long and if anyone tries to tell us to be quiet we’re gonna say “Go to bed, old man, because rock and roll is here to stay!”

…

Oh, wait, I still don’t have any money.

Plus, we were never a band together or anything like that.

Dammit.

Never mind.

Last day. Final post coming up later.

And it’s a tear-jerker, so bring some liquor.

Shocking news has been leaked from the Microsoft Business Unit today that reveals the reason the release of Office for the Mac was delayed last year. According to sources, some times last year, developers in the MBU discovered a child lost in the voluminous source code of Word for the Mac.

Sources were unable to say how he got in there or whose child he might be, but he apparently had been living in the code in a feral state for a number of years.

Lost in a morass of legacy code, the child was only first glimpsed when Microsoft began to remove Visual Basic support.

“He was apparently hiding behind some of that code,” said a MBU developer who declined to be identified.

The source placed blame on former MBU head Roz Ho and credited new head Craig Eisler with the boy’s eventual rescue.

“Roz ignored the obvious signs there was someone living in the code,” the source said. “There were signs of nesting, old bones and scat everywhere. Craig personally coaxed that kid out of there and saved him from a life that was nothing but a constant struggle to survive.

“Oh, my god, I just realized he probably had to live with Clippy! What a horrible existence. It’s inhuman. I can’t even bring myself to think of it.”

If this child was living in Word for the Mac, one shudders to think what could be living in Word for Windows.

Microsoft declined to comment officially for this story.

We told them it would probably be their last chance but they still declined to comment.

Pff.

Sissies.

The Apple community was thrown upside down today as definitive proof was delivered that Macworld magazine managing editor Jason Snell is on the take.

“His three and a half mice review of the MacBook Air was the final bit of evidence,” said Rogue Amoeba’s Paul Kafasis. “He’s obviously on the take from Microsoft.

“Or Sony. It could be Sony. They had a Vaio ad in the last issue fer Chrissake! How obvious does it have to be, people! Wake up and smell the graft!”

“I personally won’t be satisfied until he corrects his false statements about the MacBook Air, apologizes publicly and is banned from attending Major League Baseball games for the rest of his life,” Kafasis concluded.

Oddly, others contended that Snell isn’t on the take from Apple’s competitors, but is actually on the take from Apple.

“I was going to give the iPod nano four mice,” said Macworld editor Dan Frakes, “and then Jason says, ‘Hey, why don’t we bump this up to four and a half mice?’! And he winks at me! I mean, what’s that all about?!”

When contacted, Snell was surprisingly up front about his greased palms.

“It’s a pretty sweet gig,” Snell admitted. “I get paid by Apple to favorably review their products and then I get paid by its competitors to trash Apple’s products. It’s a win-win! I can’t lose!

“Although, I’ll admit, it does get confusing sometimes. I have to keep careful track of who I’m getting bribed by on any given day in iCal. This week it’s obviously Sony. I mean… c’mon! 3 and a half mice for the Air?! But you know I’m gonna cut me off a slice of that sweet Sony action.”

Apple and Sony both declined to confirm that Snell was on the take, but when reporters peeked in the window of his home, they did see products from both vendors, which is pretty damning.

A new study shows that men are more likely to be overconfident about online security than women.

Most people will not find this surprising. Also not surprisingly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the researchers also found that Mac-using men are even more overconfident, both about online security and other things.

“I’d be concerned about online security,” said Your Mac Life host Shawn King, “but I already know that I’m totally impervious to malware. Because I’m using a Mac. I mean, duh.

“I also have a very large penis,” King added. “Really quite tremendous.”

As it turns out, King’s outlook on online security and the size of his unit was not unusual for men in the Mac community.

“What’s great about using a Mac is the fact that there are zero viruses,” said Macworld’s Peter Cohen. “I can surf any site, download any file I want with utter impunity. It’s great being a Mac user.

“And my junk is simply huge. Ask anyone.”

Bynkii.com’s John C. Welch concurred.

“I don’t really have anything to say about online security,” he said, “but I’d just like to point out that I, too, have a long and lustrous penis.”

Female Mac users reportedly rolled their eyes upon hearing the findings.

Well, despite drinking my weight in Tres Generaciones Anejo, I was unable to make time and space roll backwards and undo the Entity’s shocker announcement of last week.

I did actually close a loop in the space/time continuum that was causing Stan Sigman to read off the same index card over and over and over and over. So, that was good. Get that guy back on the golf course where he belongs.

But when I woke up this morning after going to bed on Saturday morning and dragged myself into the office, there was the Entity, taking things out of his desk and putting them into a cardboard box.

Single paper clip. Bag of Baked Lays. Pencil. Bag of Baked Lays. Swingline stapler. Bag of Baked Lays. Thoronson portable particle accelerator. Bag of Baked Lays…

He’s out of here on Friday.

So that’s it.

Come Friday, the show’s over.

It’s not so bad, I guess. I’ve been doing this for six years and I still haven’t scored that free Cinema Display I dreamed of when I first posted on Blogspot.

I talked with the staff today and they all spent the weekend thinking about their options.

Thor’s obviously set since he’s independently wealthy. He just stood there for a second then said “Well, I’m going skydiving.” Then he walked out.

Now, Howard…

Well…

How do I say this?

Howard actually had to be put down over a year ago.

I just…

I didn’t have the heart to tell you.

Yep. Hip dysplasia. Sad, really.

Um…

Uh…

You’re crying.

Um, I’m just kidding. We, uh, we actually drove him out to a biiiig farm in the country and he’s running around, uh, chasing the chickens and, uh, taking pictures of them… for a big… farm… exposé… for Life magazine.

Really.

He’s going to blow the farm stereotype wide open.

Totally. Don’t cry.

It’s Chet we had to have put down.

No, actually, this was kind of a shock to me, but he’s already got another job lined up. Yep. He’s reached some form of détente with the rest of his family and is going to work for the Mac Business Unit at Microsoft. It’s nice for him. It’s a nice middle ground. I think the current version was looking a little too Mac-like and they were looking for someone to help really crap up the interface for them. You know, tart it up like a cheap whore.

I think he’s going to do well there.

Masako simply announced that she’s decided to “go back to her people”. No one was really sure if she meant the Japanese or lesbians. I like to imagine it’s the lesbians. As a matter of fact, I like to imagine that a little too much, if you know what I mean.

And I think you do.

So, I’m like, “Well, Ugluk. Looks like it’s just you and me, buddy.”

And then the Entity offers to drop him off in 20,000 B.C. on his way back to his dimension.

Great. Thanks a lot.

You know, I can’t do this site alone. There’s vast amounts of research, interviewing and writing, not to mention all the web maintenance, marketing and administration.

And then someone has to keep the hot tub maintained, brush the polo ponies and oil the Solid Gold CARS Dancers.

So…

Friday it is.

What the hell am I going to do after that? There’s no way I’m going back to chartered accountancy. No way, man.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
________________

Q: I have a Titanium PowerBook that I’m trying to use as a printer server on an 802.11g network. I bought a g PCMCIA card, but every time I have the PowerBook on the network, my wife’s MacBook gets terrible network performance. Web sites are slow and… um… hello?

A: …

Q: Hello?

A: …

Q: Uh… hmm. Helloooo? Is anyone there?

A: …

Q: Huh. This is weird. I wonder where…

A: Sorry! Sorry I’m late! Oh, man.

Q: Oh. Hi. OK, so, I’ve got this PowerBook and…

A: I just got out of an all-day staff meeting. Holy crap. I can’t believe it. There’s some serious shit going on here.

Q: Great. OK, so I’m running an 802.11g network and…

A: The Entity called this meeting and said he had a big announcement. We just rolled our eyes, I mean, the guy’s practically incoherent. How could he have a big announcement?

Q: See, I just need to serve this printer and…

A: So, sure, it took forever to get it out of him… her… whatever… what he wanted to say. After all, he is an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a flour tortilla and served with sour cream and guacamole…

Q: Getting a lot of dropped connections and slow load times for web pages on the MacBoook…

A: And then there were the inevitable Baked Lays breaks. You know, you watch Star Trek and you think energy beings pretty much power themselves. Well, I’m telling you, that’s crap. And it’s no different now that he’s Jennifer fricking Connelly. He still packs away a case a day.

Q: Er…

A: [sigh]

Q: OK, so, I’m not sure what going on but there’s some kind of interference or switching or…

A: But the announcement!

Q: Oh, for crying out loud…

A: He’s leaving!

Q: Are you even allowed to call yourself a Help Desk anymore? I mean, isn’t there some kind of ISO minimum standard for seconds of actual help supplied?

A: Yeah! Now that the Cyber Apocalypse is over, he’s going back to his dimension! He said his mission here is complete!

Q: So that’s a “no”?

A: I always knew this would come some day but it’s just shocking now that it’s happened. I mean, I was hoping it wouldn’t be for another 500,000 years.

Q: You know what’s shocking? The poor performance my wife’s MacBook is getting.

A: The thing is, without the Entity, we’re pretty much broke. I mean, we get some good income from advertisers and that generally covers our not insubstantial liquor bill, but after that there’s just not much left to run a site.

Q: Oh. You call this “running a site”?

A: He dropped this on us and then just floated out of the conference room. No one said a word. Everyone just got up and walked out. Went home.

Q: Can I call one of them?

A: I gotta think this over. I gotta go home and drink some tequila and… I don’t know. I just need some tequila.

Q: You need some tequila? Dude, if I don’t fix my wife’s MacBook problem I’m going to need an ambulance.

A: This is probably the end of CARS. Seriously. I mean, no Entity, no money, no site. I… I gotta go… drink.

Q: Uh…

A: …

Q: Great.

A: …

Q: So… uh… I’ll just lock up then?